Heaven only knows what you say to her about me (CII-was i inlove with him or the idea of finally having someone to call my own)

Its 2am on Wednesday morning when I get a call from an unknown number, usually I don’t take such calls but today I answered (that’s if accepting the call and putting the phone on your ear and waiting for the person to state their case is considered as answering)
The voice on the other end said “mama ngiya xolisa, I know what I did was wrong and I’ve now realized that I love you and the thought of having to live my life without you is killing me, you’re my life”.
After listening to him bad mouth the other woman, I hung up and carried on sleeping.
As if the 2am call wasn’t enough he sent just under a million emails and texts messages. Se u hundzuke muntwa e vuton’wini bya mina

I decided to meet with him for lunch so he can officially apologize, never mind that the apology is 2 weeks too late and frankly I couldn’t be bothered by whether or not he apologizes, the damage has been done. After all the lies that I endured could I possibly believe anything that came from his mouth?
A few days later we met at my favourite restaurant and while I ate, he spoke. Funny enough he was surprised by the fact that didn’t say anything. What was I supposed say; “I understand my baby that you never meant to cheat on me, you tripped and fell and found yourself between her legs and the lies weren’t really lies, they were a result of me not asking questions”? Please I’m too old for such rubbish and too young to be accepting lies of this nature.
I did have a question for him though, “did you enjoy making love to her”? He had a blank look on his gorgeous face as though I was speaking in French or Polish.
I must say though he looked gorgeous, he smelt so good I could just rip his clothes off and have my way with him right there and then. At some point I couldn’t even hear what he was saying, I was thinking about all the times we had sex. How good it felt to feel his body against mine and how good he always made me feel. He was my drug and now I had to go cold turkey in order to redeem my sanity.
After a lengthy listening session I accepted his apology. I told myself that in order for my healing to begin I had to set him free. If I forgave him I wouldn’t have to think about him and his shenanigans anymore (well so I hoped).
Of course I still loved him but was not ready to be starting over, as he suggested. Did he actually think that him telling me that he and that woman were no longer in contact that I would take him back with open arms? Really?! Heaven only knows what you say to her about me.
What is it with men thinking that if they say they are sorry and that everything happened due to bad judgment and a moment of weakness that we women will just forgive them and pretend as though nothing ever happened? Vaka hinoo! Na mina ndzi munhu, ku vona ka n’gwe I ku vona ka mbiri.
When I left there I was hoping to feel like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders but that wasn’t the case at all, now I felt like I was carrying 4 elephants .
Thing is I was ready to devote my entire life to this man and he had already met my 6 year old son. How was I going to explain to him that his new daddy had left us? What would I tell my family, friends and colleagues that knew about our engagement? Oh my, if my brothers were to know the truth, they would tear him from limb to limb and have a spit braai.
I find myself sitting at home, on the ice cold tiles, having my second bottle of wine. All alone in the dark trying to think what could I possibly have done to make him cheat and lie to me so much? Was I really not good enough for him? Did I not respect him enough that he felt that he had to do this or was my mistake sleeping with him on our first night together? Does the 90 day rule actually work? Was I never worthy of the truth? Will there ever be a cure to men cheating or this is the type of life that we as women will always have to endure?
In a few days it’s Valentines Day; it would have been our first together and we had already booked a 4 night get-away to the North West, there goes that idea.

The pain is too much for me to me to handle, I just want to climb into a cave and hibernate.
Loving someone so much has to be illegal….

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