Heaven only knows what you say to her about me (CII-was i inlove with him or the idea of finally having someone to call my own)

Its 2am on Wednesday morning when I get a call from an unknown number, usually I don’t take such calls but today I answered (that’s if accepting the call and putting the phone on your ear and waiting for the person to state their case is considered as answering)
The voice on the other end said “mama ngiya xolisa, I know what I did was wrong and I’ve now realized that I love you and the thought of having to live my life without you is killing me, you’re my life”.
After listening to him bad mouth the other woman, I hung up and carried on sleeping.
As if the 2am call wasn’t enough he sent just under a million emails and texts messages. Se u hundzuke muntwa e vuton’wini bya mina

I decided to meet with him for lunch so he can officially apologize, never mind that the apology is 2 weeks too late and frankly I couldn’t be bothered by whether or not he apologizes, the damage has been done. After all the lies that I endured could I possibly believe anything that came from his mouth?
A few days later we met at my favourite restaurant and while I ate, he spoke. Funny enough he was surprised by the fact that didn’t say anything. What was I supposed say; “I understand my baby that you never meant to cheat on me, you tripped and fell and found yourself between her legs and the lies weren’t really lies, they were a result of me not asking questions”? Please I’m too old for such rubbish and too young to be accepting lies of this nature.
I did have a question for him though, “did you enjoy making love to her”? He had a blank look on his gorgeous face as though I was speaking in French or Polish.
I must say though he looked gorgeous, he smelt so good I could just rip his clothes off and have my way with him right there and then. At some point I couldn’t even hear what he was saying, I was thinking about all the times we had sex. How good it felt to feel his body against mine and how good he always made me feel. He was my drug and now I had to go cold turkey in order to redeem my sanity.
After a lengthy listening session I accepted his apology. I told myself that in order for my healing to begin I had to set him free. If I forgave him I wouldn’t have to think about him and his shenanigans anymore (well so I hoped).
Of course I still loved him but was not ready to be starting over, as he suggested. Did he actually think that him telling me that he and that woman were no longer in contact that I would take him back with open arms? Really?! Heaven only knows what you say to her about me.
What is it with men thinking that if they say they are sorry and that everything happened due to bad judgment and a moment of weakness that we women will just forgive them and pretend as though nothing ever happened? Vaka hinoo! Na mina ndzi munhu, ku vona ka n’gwe I ku vona ka mbiri.
When I left there I was hoping to feel like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders but that wasn’t the case at all, now I felt like I was carrying 4 elephants .
Thing is I was ready to devote my entire life to this man and he had already met my 6 year old son. How was I going to explain to him that his new daddy had left us? What would I tell my family, friends and colleagues that knew about our engagement? Oh my, if my brothers were to know the truth, they would tear him from limb to limb and have a spit braai.
I find myself sitting at home, on the ice cold tiles, having my second bottle of wine. All alone in the dark trying to think what could I possibly have done to make him cheat and lie to me so much? Was I really not good enough for him? Did I not respect him enough that he felt that he had to do this or was my mistake sleeping with him on our first night together? Does the 90 day rule actually work? Was I never worthy of the truth? Will there ever be a cure to men cheating or this is the type of life that we as women will always have to endure?
In a few days it’s Valentines Day; it would have been our first together and we had already booked a 4 night get-away to the North West, there goes that idea.

The pain is too much for me to me to handle, I just want to climb into a cave and hibernate.
Loving someone so much has to be illegal….

Do i go or do i stay? part 2

One afternoon as I was lazing about at home catching up on some much needed gossip on TV and sipping on a bubbly I received from my hubby as a Friday presnt, when I got a call from the security at the gate that there was a young man asking to see my husband, I allowed him to come up to the house.
The well dressed and very mannered young man was my husband’s son (Thandolethu), he had come all the way from Port Shepstone to come and speak to his father. I was shocked to see how much he resembled my husband, I had never met him before this.
I asked why he didn’t just call and he told me that since the day that he left, 4 months ago, he hadn’t called or returned any of their calls. Seeing as though their mother was also as a housewife, like me, she was receiving a monthly allowance that assisted her in maintaining her looks as well as the day to day running of the household.
Problem is Sipho hasn’t sent them anything since the terrible discovery that was made of the illness.
I offered him a snack as well as a warm bath while we waited for his father to come home from work.
As usual Sipho was home at 19:30 pm. He hadn’t even entered the house but was already ranting and raving about what a terrible day he had had and that all his clients are starting to doubt him and his credibility and didn’t understand why. He owned his own accounting firm.
I poured him a cognac, like I usually did before giving him his supper. As he walked into the living room he was shocked by what he saw: there was Thandolethu relaxed on the couch waiting patiently for him. I could feel the heat coming of his closely shaven head because of the anger he was feeling at the sight of Thando and the tension in that room was so thick, you could cut it with a chain saw.
I’m sure the first thing that came to his mind was that his wife (Precious) had passed on.

He sat down and asked the boy what he was doing there. Thando started explaining that since he hadn’t been sending them money, like he normally did, things were terrible back home. His mothers CD4 count was decreasing by the day and because there was no money in the house she couldn’t be sent to the doctor, never mind get proper food to eat before taking meds. His younger brother who attends a private crèche had been removed from the school due to non-payment of fees and was here to ask for some money so they could make ends meet.
I went up to our room and sobbed as I could feel his pain, growing up in a household where we were lucky if we got pap to eat once a day. How could he be so cruel to his sick wife and the children? Is this what he’s going to do to me as soon as I start getting ill? What can I do to help them out, was there anything that I could do? Well he kept them a secret from me and he probably didn’t want us to have a relationship any way.
While wiping my face I could hear them speaking loudly it was as though there were 10 men down there. I rushed downstairs to see what was happening; Sipho was dragging Thando out the door.
When I asked what was going on he hit me so hard across my face, I felt my jaw dislocate.
I locked myself up in the guest bedroom and cried myself to sleep. I saw a side of my husband that I never thought I would ever have to see. What had become of us? First the lies then the illness and now the abuse? What was next? Was he going to kill me and bury me in the back yard?

As the sun came up and I heard him leave for work the next day, I left the room. I took a long bath while sipping on some wine, hoping to unwind. I dozed off and while napping I heard a voice in the distance say; “madam, Thandolethu slept in the cottage last night and was now asking for your time”. I thought I was dreaming, as I opened my eyes, there was Patricia (my housekeeper).
I got dressed and went down stairs. He looked terrible, Sipho had hit him so badly. I was shocked. Did all this happen because he came to ask for money from his own father? If I didn’t know better I would say that Sipho thought that Thando was the one who infected us with the HI Virus.
After cleaning him up and giving him breakfast, I wrote him a cheque and took him to Park Station where he would take a bus back home. I gave him my number so he could call if he ever needed help with anything at all.

We spent the next three days being housemates as we didn’t speak at all; I just gave him his cognac and supper like I usually did. Finally he apologized and explained why he reacted that way. He said he was angry and that he was still trying to come to terms with what was happening. “It’s no excuse my love for my behavior and I’m sorry”.

That night I moved back to our room and after an hour of steamy love making, my phone rang. It was Thando. I didn’t answer, Sipho and I had just started talking and I didn’t want to mess things up.
A few seconds later a message came through from Thando.
“Sis Ntombi uma usandaku shona, angazi ngi yenze njani”….

Do I stay or do I go?

Do I go or do I stay?
By: Beverley. G. Zitha (@peachesbgz)

I remember my wedding day like it was just yesterday…
21 September 2005
The weather was perfect, the décor was on point, my dress fit like a glove and my groom J Sipho looked super fine in the perfectly tailored tuxedo.
The ceremony was beautiful, my best friend Felicia sang my wedding song (Giving myself over by Jenifer Hudson) as I glided down the aisle. The tears flowed down my perfectly made up face as I saw all the people that had come to support my union with Sipho. He looked like the man I’ve waited all my life for.

For our honeymoon we went down to Balito for the week, it was magical. The greatest week of my life.

Just before the big day Sipho used to attend a lot of meetings that I knew nothing about or where they were held. That bothered me, a lot, he assured me though that I needn’t worry as it was a surprise for me.
When we got back from our honey moon we moved into our new house in Aspen Hills. The secret meetings were about the house. It was beautiful, had all my favourite colours in the rooms as well as beautiful furniture and ornaments.
I was in heaven; perfect husband, beautiful house, awesome lifestyle and a great family. What more could a girl ask for?
Sipho was always a gentleman, opening the door for me, buying flowers occasionally, getting me gifts, complementing my cooking and baking skills as well as my looks. Being a housewife I had nothing much to do either than shopping, baking, cooking, keeping in shape and well, playing the perfect wife.
I never worked as he maintained that he could look after me financially and otherwise, so there was never a need for me to work. In essence I never took a vested interest in our finances as he did everything and I had my monthly allowance as well as a credit card.

On one particular day he decided that he was going away for the weekend and I wasn’t going to be coming on this trip because the meeting was going to be with new business partners, I didn’t mind as I trusted my husband and didn’t for a moment think that he was going to be doing something dodgy behind my back.
When he returned 4 days later he seemed very upset and was snappy with me, I thought it was just the exhaustion and brushed it off.
Several days later his mood hadn’t changed, now I was really worried.
I started snooping around in the hope so get a clue as to what could be the matter.

Lo and behold there was something in his home office drawers; a family portrait. Three kids (two handsome boys and a beautiful girl), a wife and husband, the husband in the picture was Sipho.
I immediately confronted him and he said that the family portrait in the picture was indeed his family.
What about me, aren’t I your family?
After 7 years of marriage I didn’t know that my husband had a wife and three kids.
I asked how come he never told me and what the mood was about. The reason I was never told is simply because I never asked? Why would I ask if you have a wife and kids if you have proposed to me?
The long face was a result of his wife telling him that she had tested for HIV and it was positive. When he tested he was positive too. My jaw dropped as I began to imagine the sad but true reality that I could be positive too.
After testing positive too I had to make a decision, divorce my husband or stay on in the deceitful marriage?

I stayed. I couldn’t go back to a life of poverty, where was I going to find a job, how was I going to survive (I didn’t have a cent to my name) and besides being a “return soldier” wasn’t on my list of needs or wants.

So today I’m HIV+, thanks to my husband but still living a life of luxury…..